Fiction: VORX

(The picture depicts a simple case of "fluid logic agitation.")

Not long ago I decided to buy a computer, invent something, and get rich.  Once started, I was so busy researching possible products that I didn’t have time to keep up my correspondence with old friends.  It occurred to me that success without witness is no success at all.

So I developed a system that automatically manages personal correspondence.  I named it the VORX™ System (because VORX is the MUMPH* acronym for Automatic Correspondence Management System, and VORX is a product for the world market).  I raised some money and formed a company – VORXSys – and hired the best programmers I could find.  Our first live public test of the system follows this introduction.

* MUMPH is, of course, the ANSI-2000 Standard Merged Earth MetaLanguage (Phonetic Version), the language formed by merging all known natural languages.

What is VORX?

Mail Merge (form letter) systems have been around for years.  But it was not until 1995, after the breakthrough work of Dr. Victoria Smite (then a Publishers Clearing House Fellow at Princeton) resulted in the first true Synthesized Intelligent Response system – Dear SIR – that the first rudimentary Automatic Writing (AW) systems appeared.

There are now several AW systems on the market (used to generate everything from TV sitcom dialog to personal letters), but the VORX System is the first truly automatic Correspondence Management System.  VORX relies on several cutting-edge technologies, including the latest phrase-generation software from RusSoft, the Russian company that’s been re-marketing the former Soviet Union’s top secret military (and paranormal research) software.  But these technologies would be useless without the revolutionary software at the heart of VORX, our own invention, the VORX SentiMental™ Emotion Alternator.  The alternator not only generates emotional cues to impart realistic "tone" to a letter, but also regulates that emotion – in tandem with our MeFirst™ technology – to guarantee that VORX letters represent the user as a superior, sympathetic and thoroughly likable individual.

How Does VORX Work?

VORX comes with an extensive set of letter "themes" – Impress, Obsess, Friendship Test, etc. – that contain placeholders for specific data.  Right after VORX is installed, it asks the user a series of questions, and enters their answers into the database tables it will use to fill in the placeholders, e.g.: recipient_profiles, common_acquaintances, substance_abuse_nostalgia, bitter_recriminations, health_complaints, etc.  But this data is not static – the tables are automatically extended during the lifetime of a correspondence.  An exclusive GossipCalc™ module allows for slow, calculated leakage of "secret" data from one recipient to another.  Our neural net ExtendaThought™ modules, used in tandem with the RusSoft phrase generators, have unlimited associative power, so that just a few words of source data can be used to spin out ornate and expansive statements.  That’s not all.  VORX also uses IntelliWit™ filters, which can radically increase the sophistication and entertainment value of a letter by using live feeds from a multitude of data services, including Bloomberg, Fox, and NoseRingNet (with its HumorGenerator™ Humor Generator). Once VORX has all the raw data it needs, the user simply sets up an address book of recipients, then schedules the frequency, tone and complexity* of letters to be sent to each recipient.

* Note that we use only the finest Eastern European complexity amplifiers, including the acclaimed Trance-Il-vanian™ set of fluid logic agitators, with the proven ability to produce logic turbulence with intractable levels of complexity.

That’s not all.  When a correspondent’s reply is scanned into the optional RepliSponder™ Reply Interpreter/Responder, VORX applies heuristics to extract its tone (e.g., subtle pseudo-sympathetic mockery) and to counter with an appropriately-toned response (e.g., guilt-inducing generosity and sincerity) without user intervention.

In fact the number of ways VORX can respond is practically unlimited.  From the default "warm, casual" tone, to a "slightly hurt, defensive" tone, to – if the user selects both "aggressive" and "random" – a frighteningly pathological tone.  When the complexity of a reply is set to "infinite," VORX can generate a virtually infinite letter (and schedule it to be sent in chapters over a period of years); by setting complexity to "infinite" and tone to "infantile," a user can subject a correspondent to an endless stream of babbling.

Again, we’ve barely scratched the surface of VORX.  With the optional RepliSniffer™ add-on to RepliSponder, the system can detect a reply generated by a correspondent using VORX or any of several known AW systems (the latest profiles of AW systems can be automatically downloaded from our web site).  If an automated reply is detected, the VORX AutoPilotPen™ System can establish a link with the correspondent’s system (assuming it is ANSI-2000 AW-SYNC compliant) to cooperate on 100% autonomous correspondence that needs no intervention from either human respondent – the respondents are then freed to monitor their relationship at their leisure without "getting their hands dirty." Our research has shown that there is no real upper bound on the generation of subject matter (with a negligible repetition factor comparable to natural forgetfulness) in these autonomous correspondences – an eternal correspondence is theoretically possible.

Not surprisingly, VORX understands nearly any language (for which there is a MUMPH translator), allowing personal correspondence with virtual strangers halfway around the world.

VORX System Release 1.0 is now in beta 2.5.  It can be downloaded (373 GB) from www.VORXsys.com.  This initial release is designed for paper correspondence, but there is an optional VORXFax™ module that can be used to fax directly between your computer and an offshore service bureau that will handle all incoming and outgoing paper mail.  For an additional fee, all correspondence (except that of infinite complexity) can be archived to optical disc.  The next major release of VORX will allow for automatic email correspondence.

The first live test letter follows:

Dear L:

Summer’s here with a vengeance, I’m boiling in my socks.  When was the last time you heard about the White House cat, Socks? Did their new dog chase it away? Maybe that’s when everything started to unravel.

Remember <<$enemy=GetEnemy(CurrentRecipients, Random())>>? I dreamed I ran into <<HimOrHer($enemy.gender)>> a few days ago; do you believe that <<MildObscenity($enemy.gender)>> had the nerve to ask about you? Please stand clear of the moving platform as trains enter and leave the station.

I agree with you that the I.M.F. shafted Russia.  Ever since I found out Isaac Hayes is a Scientologist, I’ve been worried about being successful and becoming a celebrity.  Tom Cruise was great in Mission Impossible, but did you know he’s only 5’ 4"? I hear everyone else on the set had to stand in a trench!

How’s your job? How about that Monica? How about those puhzelwift… <<Error: SportsTabloidFeed.CorruptPacketHeader.  No details.>>  I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.  Escalators are for passengers only.  I can’t believe… how’s the family? I can’t believe… you do that again and you are DEAD, <<OedipalObscenity()>>, you hear me?! DEAD!!

Hope all is OK – K