All My Condos

...a soap opera.  Episode 1: As the Row Rotates.

(The bells of the Russian Orthodox church on McCarren Park hammer out the call to prayer as the sun rises over Karl Fisher City like a burning bucket of popcorn chicken.  The camera zooms in on a figure sprawled on a bench in the park; after a few seconds the figure stirs...)

I wake up feeling like a crowbar's stuck in my head, with two little birds perched at the far end fighting over a worm, and every time they jump my brain shrieks like a wounded animal.  It takes all my strength to pry open my eyes and face the light.

Thank God the first thing I see is a vodka bottle!  But when the muscular pigeon guarding it goosesteps away, I find there's not a drop left.

I raise my 2 ton head, squint down the line of benches, and spy a pair of black satin pajama bottoms hanging from the fence around the handball courts.  Then I notice I don't have any pants on.  Sucking in my gut, I confirm that I am wearing boxer shorts, with "K.F." embroidered on the side.  (What's that stand for... Kletus Fowler?  Kentucky's Finest?  Kingston Fishcus?)  And I'm wearing a huge green jacket with "Bruno, Department of Sanitation" stitched on the front.

I can't remember my name, but I'm pretty sure it's not Bruno.  Who am I, and how did I get here?

I hear someone yell from high above; I turn and see a huge, vaguely familiar man wave at me from a balcony.  His arm is wrapped around a pretty blond wearing a black satin robe -- and it's embroidered with "K.F." too!  They wave at me, then share a laugh and go inside.  After the door closes three beacons light up on the balcony.

I'm totally confused.  On the one hand, I don't know who I am; on the other, I have the nauseating feeling I don't want to know.

The bottom line is: I gotta find me a drink...

(The camera pulls back as he swings his feet to the ground, stands up and sways for a few seconds, then lurches off.  The series' theme song swells:)

Right now I can't read too good
Don't send me no more letters, no

Not unless you mail them from
Karl Fischer Row...

Will K.F. find out who he is?  Is he really K.F., or just wearing K.F.'s underwear?  Tune in to Episode 2 to find out...